Momma Fail

January 8 · 2 comments

in Family Life

Remember when I said that I wasn’t perfect and I am still learning the mom thing? Yeah. I’m sure this won’t be the last time I fail. But I feel like Brittany Spears and “Oops, I did it again!”

Do you ever get so distracted with stuff that the things which are supposed to be priority get put on the back burner because you want to complete the task you’re already in the middle of doing? Yes? Have you had so many things that you’re trying to balance in the middle of all that too? Yes? Yay!! So it’s safe to say that like me, you feel like a clown juggling tennis balls on a unicycle and the balls all of a sudden caught fire and OW! that’s hot and you drop one if not all of the flaming balls? Yes? Okay, whew.

That’s about a summary of what happened yesterday.

In the extended version. I’m trying to prove to Mr. B that I do keep clean the kitchen after I make a mess and it’s not me leaving the mess behind. (Oh, yeah. We had this big blow up fight with him Sunday after church and everything hit the roof). Anyway, since then, I’ve been trying to prove myself to him. Prove that I’m not a bad parent, I’m not ignoring Chance, I do clean up after us and him sometimes, I am busy (not on my phone), & I don’t need him to be so involved in everything regarding the kids.

In the middle of me working on cleaning up the house to prove that part to him, I inadvertently ignored Chance. Though in my defense, Chance enjoys being around his Pawpaw & doesn’t hang around me so I take the opportunity to do something productive & I let Mr. B entertain them & put their needs on the back burner because I assume he’ll take care of them. Except he doesn’t do the diaper changing part. You know, today, when it counted most.

Needless to say Chance needed a diaper change. He said “poopy”, but he was in the middle of eating and since his eating habits have not been all that wonderful, I made a quick mental note to change it when he was done. Points for the mental note right? Then forgot as I was working on cleaning & I kept cleaning & never stopped to remember that I needed to change his diaper. By then he was down and playing. At some point he came up to me and said “Owie” while pointing to what I felt was a random but rather odd spot. I kissed it to make it all better and I kept going with whatever I was doing and so did he. I didn’t think much of it because you can touch the kid with a feather and he’ll say “Owie” and you just kiss it to make it all better. Anyway, about an hour later, I was finally almost to a stopping point in the cleaning. I wanted to spend more time with the kids because I kept getting this feeling I needed to be around them. As I was walking to the living room Chance came up to me again but in a straddle-like position saying “Owie” while pointing to his inner right thigh. The same odd spot he’d pointed out earlier. Something clicked & I happened to remember he needed a diaper change. I told him to go the bedroom so I could change him and he walked straddle-like the whole way which was definitely odd, but I thought he was just playing, so when he was taking too long to get to his room I scooped him up, carried him the extra 10 feet, laid him on the changing table, and began the undressing routine.

That’s when I noticed the swollen welp looking thing with clear stuff draining out of it. Cue momma freak-out. I cleaned him the best I could avoiding the large red spot and also noting the irritation on his hiney and man parts and inside of his left thigh. Then I ran to Dakota. I am trying to tell him I need him off the phone to help me with a slight emergency. Of course he didn’t understand me so I had to text him and take pictures and try to express how nervous and scared I was. Which he never figured out, by the way, the nervous part. At some point he was helpful and suggested I call the Nurseline* until he could be off the phone. Awesome. I had a plan and someone to talk to. Nervous me is trying to explain what I’m looking at and I’m trying not to cry and I’m a ball of worry while Chance says “Owie” every time a finger comes near it. Finally Dakota comes to the rescue and he tries to figure it out and he doesn’t have any idea. He tries to put him in a warm bath to get the drainage off, but Chance didn’t want to get near it and then because of the location of his owie he couldn’t walk either so he was carried back to the changing table while I’m on the phone with Nurse #2. That part where I can’t think? I was uncertain with everything and I told the previous nurse I wasn’t sure the clear stuff was drainage. Dakota said to call them back and did to see if the new information would shed light on what was going on. I think the first nurse got a kick out of me being nervous (you know when it didn’t seem like it was a big deal and I was overreacting), but the second nurse was all momma bear for me and she helped me by reminding me to take a deep breath which was awesome because I really needed it and I didn’t realize how bad until I did what she told me. And of course being that I was a ball of worry, the gesture was comforting and so appreciated that I was on the verge of tears when I thanked her for her assistance and hung up.

With a renewed realization that I was going to have to get through this and do it on my own since Dakota had gone back to work (his 15-minute break was over and he still hadn’t realized I much really needed him and his presence for support). I put on my big kid panties & tried to be strong for Chance. I don’t want him to be worried or feel my uncertainty. I want him to have confidence and trust that his momma is going to do whatever it takes to make him better. Though I’m sure he still felt the underlying nerves that were rattling around, I tried to lend him whatever strength I could muster to give him the care he needed to make his owie better. All I had to do was clean the drainage off with a warm, soapy rag, apply an antiseptic or Neosporin, & then cover it with gauze dressings or a band-aid. I had no problem with that. I’ve seen blood and gore and nasty big time owies & I can always keep calm and figure out the best form of treatment. I’m incapable of this when it’s my kid. I freeze like water below 32 degrees. I don’t know what to do and my mind stops thinking logically and I’m a train wreck.

Obviously I got through it. It was not as difficult as I kept telling myself it would be though watching Chance squirm and jerk and push my hand away while whimpering “Dop” (his version of stop) was breaking my heart. When I covered his owie with a band-aid and told him his owie went bye-bye he took a few seconds to register the torture was over and then did this relieved smile once he understood. He kept saying “Owie bye-bye?” and I smiled glad I’d done it and I’d say “Yep. Your owie went bye-bye.”

I told you this long story to say that even though it’s still not a definite as to what’s going on, if this is indeed my fault, it was because I wasn’t being mindful of the kids’ care. I compromised their health by being so focused on cleaning which could have been put on hold and waited until things had slowed down. I have to learn to balance housework and chores. I need to make sure the kids are always my priority and that I stay attentive to their needs. I feel guilty this happened. I want to tell myself this won’t happen again and for the most part, this particular thing probably won’t. It’ll more than likely be another avenue of something I’ve been slacking in noticing or doing and it’ll affect one of the two kids. I may sound like I’m speaking it into existence, but I’m not. I’m being realistic in realizing I’m not done learning & there are other accidents that will happen because he’s a a rough and tough boy & he’s only 2 and she’s a clumsy girl and she’s only 1, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

The advice of the Nurse #2 was to call to his pediatrician first thing in the morning to see what she thinks and we’ll move forward from there. Taking this one step and a time, but I’ll be praying. And if you’re the praying kind, please pray for healing for Chance. I appreciate it.

*The Nurseline is something available through our insurance. On the back of the card, they provide a number to connect you with an RN available 24/7. I have used this with Dakota when he was having stomach pains at 2:00 in the morning. It’s been so awesome to have and know it’s free to use for whatever concern you may have.

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Brittany January 8, 2013 at 9:45 am

Keep it really clean and keep antibiotics on it. Number 2s have alot of acid in the and start eating away at te skin. The longer it sit the worse. He will be ok, live and learn. Clean during nap time or eating. Clean while your cooking and you won’t have anything to do afterwards but spend time with your kids. Live and learn. He doesn’t know what it’s like to be a mom, don’t prove yourself to him. Prove yourself to you.

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Vanessa January 10, 2013 at 12:49 am

Thanks. I need to not let what he thinks get to me. In the end, he doesn’t have to answer for how Chance becomes when he’s an adult, Dakota & I do. So we’re trying to do the best we can in the situation we’re in. I just wish he’d understand that and realize his situation & choices for raising Dakota don’t and shouldn’t equate to anything we choose to do with Chance & Evelyn.

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